un-rot_blog
I think I've started using my laptop much the same way I used to use my phone. Luckily, due to being neurotic, I am only "allowed"
(my brain won't tolerate things in any other way) to set my laptop on certain surfaces. IE: tables, desks, or a clean and dry counter;
most of which are occupied until my family goes to bed. So, all I have to do is get tired of sitting at my desk and go somewhere else to get away
from screen. (I journal in a notebook at a picnic table.) This usually drives me to do something else (clean, do chores, go for a walk, lay down outside,
watch something on TV)
I'm still constantly reaching for my phone to tell me what to think or do or write, but it's not there, so I'm getting better at figuring stuff out by myself again.
I never realized how much I relied on my phone for everything, including sleep. I used to scroll for hours, listening to ASMR on and off, thinking it was helping me sleep. Now that I've quit, I've figuring out that I never "cured" my insomnia, but I just covered it up with constant stimulation, oversleeping, and frequent naps. I don't know how to sleep without my phone, and I'm exhausted.
I'm still constantly reaching for my phone to tell me what to think or do or write, but it's not there, so I'm getting better at figuring stuff out by myself again.
As far as sleep goes, I've been having a lot easier time falling asleep.
I was surprised at how quickly I adapted and how little my usual insomnia has been bothering me? Friday night, the first real night without my phone,
was rough. I had a chance to see my family Saturday the 4th, but I was so tired I didn't talk much and ended up going to take a nap early on.
I'm hopeful, though, that Saturday was a fluke. I'll write more about sleep after a week or so, when I have a better idea of how things have changed.
Currently reading: Mystery Lights by Lena Valencia (pg.42)
Currently listening: the precipice by Jessie Mazin
Today's drink: Water, lol
Currently reading: Mystery Lights by Lena Valencia (pg.42)
Currently listening: the precipice by Jessie Mazin
Today's drink: Water, lol
Here's some resources about smart phone addiction and sleep:
- https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9707689/
- https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7961071/
- https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/21582440231219538
- https://pasadenavilla.com/resources/autism/why-sleep-is-so-hard-for-autistic-adults-how-to-improve-it/
- https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleep-hygiene/relaxation-exercises-to-help-fall-asleep
Have dinner earlier. (I have a bad habit of having dinner around 9pm or 10pm) This might involve meal planning so I can have dinner ready around 7 or 8.
No caffeine after 2pm. This is hard because I love a coke zero or a black tea while sitting in the garden, lol.
Exercising more during the day. I walk my dog (almost) everyday, but I'm going to try to go on either more than one walk or a longer walk, and do some yoga (I used to love yoga)
Wind down at bedtime (1:00am, for now) with non-caffeinated tea and some music and either reading or writing.
I'm going to try not to be so hard on myself if I'm not able to keep up right away, and focus on taking baby steps to the above goals.
(beware that this link leads to information about autistic people for carers or parents. I guess I'm just my own carer/assistant at this point, lol)
- as someone with ocd, not using my smart phone is both really hard and so far rewarding? like, it's stopped a lot of my compulsions (checking in on people over and over, searching symptoms, looking up whether things are "okay" or not, etc.) It's been upsetting, but I'm trying really hard because I know it's good for me (the lexapro helps too, I think lol)
- as an autistic person, I'm very routine oriented. in the past, my routine has been interrupted by me getting "stuck" scrolling for unknown amounts of time (my screen time averages at 10-12 hours on just my phone, that's longer than I sleep for). These past few days I've had a semi-regular schedule (I'm still getting used to it and trying to adjust my sleep) and I've been able to get a lot more chores done as well as reading, writing, walking, and even a little drawing.
- I'm getting more resourceful and comfortable with being bored? Might be just placebo at this point, lol.
list of things i wanted to look up while my phone was put away:
look for projects to do w/matchboxes
look up ways to call ravens
can you get in trouble for piracy?
I've been thinking today about why I feel so scared to replace my smartphone. It's a similar fear to what I felt when I first went vegetarian in 2015 or
when I told my family I wasn't christian anymore in 2016. It's the fear of judgement and regret (feeling like I can't come back from it even though I can),
and a fear of seeming insufferable or like I'm pushing my beliefs onto everyone. Those changes were scary at first, and I did get judged, but 10 years later
I'm still glad I made those changes and my family did come around and started to understand me better. The fear of being misunderstood constantly constantly
keeps me from doing what I want, and I'm trying not to let it stop me this time.
I've been thinking about what I'll do about music. I always listen to music on my phone, but the algorithms and spotify and youtube drive me insane. I've been into physical media (thrifting cds and dvds and legally preserving free movies and music on r/w cds), and I've been looking for methods to preserve youtube videos and music now more than ever. I'd love to get a cd player (both a boombox and also a portable cd player like the classic walkman) and maybe even a portable dvd player like I had as a kid. I'm also thinking about getting an innoais y1 to use in the car, as it's a similar (if not cheaper) price to getting a second hand walkman mp3 player or ipod.
I've been thinking about what I'll do about music. I always listen to music on my phone, but the algorithms and spotify and youtube drive me insane. I've been into physical media (thrifting cds and dvds and legally preserving free movies and music on r/w cds), and I've been looking for methods to preserve youtube videos and music now more than ever. I'd love to get a cd player (both a boombox and also a portable cd player like the classic walkman) and maybe even a portable dvd player like I had as a kid. I'm also thinking about getting an innoais y1 to use in the car, as it's a similar (if not cheaper) price to getting a second hand walkman mp3 player or ipod.
Am I Addicted to my Phone? By Yusra Shah on NOCD
A short article exploring phone addiction and related mental health phenomena, focusing particularly on OCD, while offering (brief) insights on how to fight phone addiction using ERP tactics (Is partially an ad for counseling services)
"In fact, new research published in Current Psychology looked at what study others referred to as “Problematic Smartphone Use (PSU). The research found that people with OCD were more prone to have PSU compared to those without OCD. As Dr. McGrath points out, people with OCD might use their phones to repeatedly search for information about their symptoms online or to compare their situation to others’ experiences. For instance, if someone has health concern OCD and is fixated on the idea that they’re always vulnerable to getting sick, they might use their phone for reassurance on questions like: Did I diagnose myself correctly? Have I researched this enough? Is there someone who can validate how I feel or identify the illness I think I have?"
(somewhat trustworthy, take with a grain of salt)
Evaluation of obsessive-compulsive symptoms in relation to smartphone use: Survey and Study on PubMed
A short article exploring phone addiction and related mental health phenomena, focusing particularly on OCD, while offering (brief) insights on how to fight phone addiction using ERP tactics (Is partially an ad for counseling services)
"In fact, new research published in Current Psychology looked at what study others referred to as “Problematic Smartphone Use (PSU). The research found that people with OCD were more prone to have PSU compared to those without OCD. As Dr. McGrath points out, people with OCD might use their phones to repeatedly search for information about their symptoms online or to compare their situation to others’ experiences. For instance, if someone has health concern OCD and is fixated on the idea that they’re always vulnerable to getting sick, they might use their phone for reassurance on questions like: Did I diagnose myself correctly? Have I researched this enough? Is there someone who can validate how I feel or identify the illness I think I have?"
(somewhat trustworthy, take with a grain of salt)
Evaluation of obsessive-compulsive symptoms in relation to smartphone use: Survey and Study on PubMed
A short study on the relation between "phone addiction" and OCD symptoms, as well as the prevalence among the surveyors of phone/notification related obsessions and compulsions.
"The investigators established a survey that was 33 questions in length. The first 2 questions were certifying the subject was 18 years old and consented to complete the survey. The next 12 questions addressed information related to subject demographics including age, sex, and ethnicity and prior mental health diagnosis as well as daily smartphone use (eg, hours of use, time of use). The remaining 19 items were modeled around the DSM-5 criteria for OCD. Each criteria bullet was broken down to ensure there would be a question to assess the entirety of the criteria for OCD. For example, 1 question asked, Do you find yourself trying to ignore or suppress the urge to look at your smartphone? and survey respondents were given the option to select None of the time, Some of the time, Most of the time, or All of the time. This question specifically models 1 of the definitions of obsessions as described by DSM-5, which states, “The individual attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, urges, or images or to neutralize them with some other thought or action (ie, by performing a compulsion).”6(p237-8) A survey was considered positive for possible OCS if the participant answered at least 3 questions as Most of the time or All of the time for the questions surrounding the DSM-5 OCD criteria."
(trustworthy, just be aware that surveys can easily be skewed/biased based on survey pool) Let's talk about OCD's best friend: smartphones, and why they create a vicious circle in your life: a post on r/OCD by user evergreenyay
A short user written piece focusing on the user's personal journey with phone based compulsions. Featuring conclusions based on (non-sited) sources and some direct quotes from articles on the topic.
"I am currently getting out of one of the worst spirals of OCD I've ever had in my life, even though I was at a great point in my life and in my recovery. Even though I'm slowly getting out (got a therapy appointment after a while next week!) I still have 0 energy during the day because I spent the majority of my time focusing on recovering, facing the thoughts, exposures… you know the whole pacakage, while still trying to keep up with survival basics (water, food, sleep) which we know is not an easy task with OCD. At the end of the day I feel mentally exhausted but instead of scrolling through my phone until dinner I thought I would write this post in hopes to reach someone with the same problem."
(take with a grain of salt, as a good portion of this is anecdotal)
"The investigators established a survey that was 33 questions in length. The first 2 questions were certifying the subject was 18 years old and consented to complete the survey. The next 12 questions addressed information related to subject demographics including age, sex, and ethnicity and prior mental health diagnosis as well as daily smartphone use (eg, hours of use, time of use). The remaining 19 items were modeled around the DSM-5 criteria for OCD. Each criteria bullet was broken down to ensure there would be a question to assess the entirety of the criteria for OCD. For example, 1 question asked, Do you find yourself trying to ignore or suppress the urge to look at your smartphone? and survey respondents were given the option to select None of the time, Some of the time, Most of the time, or All of the time. This question specifically models 1 of the definitions of obsessions as described by DSM-5, which states, “The individual attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, urges, or images or to neutralize them with some other thought or action (ie, by performing a compulsion).”6(p237-8) A survey was considered positive for possible OCS if the participant answered at least 3 questions as Most of the time or All of the time for the questions surrounding the DSM-5 OCD criteria."
(trustworthy, just be aware that surveys can easily be skewed/biased based on survey pool) Let's talk about OCD's best friend: smartphones, and why they create a vicious circle in your life: a post on r/OCD by user evergreenyay
A short user written piece focusing on the user's personal journey with phone based compulsions. Featuring conclusions based on (non-sited) sources and some direct quotes from articles on the topic.
"I am currently getting out of one of the worst spirals of OCD I've ever had in my life, even though I was at a great point in my life and in my recovery. Even though I'm slowly getting out (got a therapy appointment after a while next week!) I still have 0 energy during the day because I spent the majority of my time focusing on recovering, facing the thoughts, exposures… you know the whole pacakage, while still trying to keep up with survival basics (water, food, sleep) which we know is not an easy task with OCD. At the end of the day I feel mentally exhausted but instead of scrolling through my phone until dinner I thought I would write this post in hopes to reach someone with the same problem."
(take with a grain of salt, as a good portion of this is anecdotal)
My phone is already dying after a year of having it (moto stylus 2023), and I'm tired of replacing it over and over.
I've always been aware of planned obsolescence, and this has only pushed me into hating the current state of everything I guess.
I remember when phones lasted forever, and they were only replaced when absolutely totaled by unforeseen circumstances or when you wanted to,
not when it died on you or stopped being updated.
Going into the rabbit hole of flip phones/dumb phones is what fully got me into wanting to make this change.
Going into the rabbit hole of flip phones/dumb phones is what fully got me into wanting to make this change.
I started on reddit, looking at cool japanese feature phones, but quickly learned that wouldn't be feasible as a poor person in the US.
So, I started looking more into regular flip phones or "dumb phones"
r/garaho, r/flipphones, r/dumbphones
Then I started doing obsessive research, trying to find the best phone to meet my needs. A lot of it was spent watching people on YouTube talk about their experience switching to a dumb phone and seeing what/why they were using their particular phone. It's important to make sure that the phone you're looking at will work work with your needs (apps you need and such), the networks that work in your country (4g and 5g for the US), and (if you don't want to change your provider) that your provider will accept your phone. I live in the US and I'm on my mom's family Cricket plan, so I had to make sure the phone I was looking at was 4g or 5g and worked with AT&T and it's subsidiaries. Right now, I think I'm looking at the Nokia 2660 Flip or the Nokia 2780 Flip. If Cricket won't accept either, then I just plan on switching to Tracfone as it's a lot cheaper anyway.
To be fully transparent, I'm a disabled person with no job. I don't need any apps for work or navigation (I can't drive and I can find my way around my town fine anyway), so all I need is a way to contact the people I care about and emergency services should something go terribly wrong. It would be nice to be able to access AO3 or read the news on my phone, but it's not really necessary as I have a laptop. If you need specific apps, there are resources on the dumb phones subreddit and here's a video that might help:
So, the main reason I'm quitting smart phones is just that I'm annoyed by them. The constant maintenance and updates, the purposeful flimsiness, the addicting nature. But I'm also trying to reclaim my time and attention, to be able to do things I actually like-- instead of getting stuck in slop loops and cycles of dopamine highs and despair. I want to learn about myself and the world and the people around me, and my phone has been getting in the way of that.
r/garaho, r/flipphones, r/dumbphones
Then I started doing obsessive research, trying to find the best phone to meet my needs. A lot of it was spent watching people on YouTube talk about their experience switching to a dumb phone and seeing what/why they were using their particular phone. It's important to make sure that the phone you're looking at will work work with your needs (apps you need and such), the networks that work in your country (4g and 5g for the US), and (if you don't want to change your provider) that your provider will accept your phone. I live in the US and I'm on my mom's family Cricket plan, so I had to make sure the phone I was looking at was 4g or 5g and worked with AT&T and it's subsidiaries. Right now, I think I'm looking at the Nokia 2660 Flip or the Nokia 2780 Flip. If Cricket won't accept either, then I just plan on switching to Tracfone as it's a lot cheaper anyway.
To be fully transparent, I'm a disabled person with no job. I don't need any apps for work or navigation (I can't drive and I can find my way around my town fine anyway), so all I need is a way to contact the people I care about and emergency services should something go terribly wrong. It would be nice to be able to access AO3 or read the news on my phone, but it's not really necessary as I have a laptop. If you need specific apps, there are resources on the dumb phones subreddit and here's a video that might help:
So, the main reason I'm quitting smart phones is just that I'm annoyed by them. The constant maintenance and updates, the purposeful flimsiness, the addicting nature. But I'm also trying to reclaim my time and attention, to be able to do things I actually like-- instead of getting stuck in slop loops and cycles of dopamine highs and despair. I want to learn about myself and the world and the people around me, and my phone has been getting in the way of that.
Most of the time I don’t even the date. Or the time
I spend my life in a perpetual state of non-motion; moving forward but always caught in the same spot. Like a rusted bike wheel.
Brain fog. Exhaustion. Insomnia and hypersomnia. Shame and embarrassment.
Everyday is same. Meaningless dregs of slop.
In my head I call it “the slop loop”; watching videos I don’t like and can’t remember, over and over while will and attention rot. I get stuck. It feels like I can’t move. I was watching a video that brought up a study that talks about how watching content can draw you into a similar state as hypnosis or deep meditation. I feel less… guilty, for it now. Before I thought was my fault, my own flaw that had everything to do with my own laziness and lack of will. I feel hideous and guilty. And guilty for being so hideous. I feel subpar, subhuman. Like a lump of pond scum.
Everyone, everything rots- but I feel like I am rotting more than anyone.
I used to be smart. I wanted to be a biologist. Now I’m nothing.
I always thought zombie-ism as a consumerist metaphor was overwrought and pretentious, but I get it now. I am zombie like- a shell of person, my body snatched by something invisible- magic, maybe, or a virus. I’m scared. Of everything. Of changing, especially. I suppose I’m mostly afraid of regret.
I’ve made many choices I deeply regret and I’ve let the fear and dread of repeating that lead my life and I regret that far more than any of my original regrets.
I know what I want.
I spend my life in a perpetual state of non-motion; moving forward but always caught in the same spot. Like a rusted bike wheel.
Brain fog. Exhaustion. Insomnia and hypersomnia. Shame and embarrassment.
Everyday is same. Meaningless dregs of slop.
In my head I call it “the slop loop”; watching videos I don’t like and can’t remember, over and over while will and attention rot. I get stuck. It feels like I can’t move. I was watching a video that brought up a study that talks about how watching content can draw you into a similar state as hypnosis or deep meditation. I feel less… guilty, for it now. Before I thought was my fault, my own flaw that had everything to do with my own laziness and lack of will. I feel hideous and guilty. And guilty for being so hideous. I feel subpar, subhuman. Like a lump of pond scum.
Everyone, everything rots- but I feel like I am rotting more than anyone.
I used to be smart. I wanted to be a biologist. Now I’m nothing.
I always thought zombie-ism as a consumerist metaphor was overwrought and pretentious, but I get it now. I am zombie like- a shell of person, my body snatched by something invisible- magic, maybe, or a virus. I’m scared. Of everything. Of changing, especially. I suppose I’m mostly afraid of regret.
I’ve made many choices I deeply regret and I’ve let the fear and dread of repeating that lead my life and I regret that far more than any of my original regrets.
I know what I want.
I’ve just spent so much of my life (over half a decade) thinking it was too late to do anything about it and that I couldn’t change. That life was moving too fast and I couldn’t control anything, so I sat and rotted in despair and apathy towards the state of my own life.
I have my own set of neuroses that make life hard as is. I have far less self control that most people and a lower threshold for mental break and burnout. And this “addiction” is one that perfectly (or nearly) healthy people struggle to kick.
Part of me is hoping that someone (my mom, fate, maybe the universe) will take away the things that tempt me (IE: my phone) but obviously, no one will.
I’ve always known that no one was going to save me, but I’m all too often finding myself praying for something to just stop me.
I’m finally going to enact my own will onto my world and take away the tools myself.
I am going to switch to a flip phone (Nokia 2520 or 2780) and get the tools I need to use my old Ipod shuffle from middle school.
I want the internet to be a place to go, like it was when I was a kid, to be a tool I have to sit down at and get up from when I need to do something else; I’m tired of the internet being a being that haunts me, always watching my every move and dictating how I move in my own home.
I’m embarrassed by everything. It feels like I’m always being watched, viewed, and cataloged. It feels like I’m being stalked by eyes that aren’t there.
I’m always embarrassed.
I’m embarrassed to watch TV in my living-room, I’m embarrassed of working out, I’m embarrassed of cleaning, of eating, of putting on clothes, of making mistakes, of myself, of my thoughts, of being alive. I’m even embarrassed to anything on the internet, like everyone online is watching me and judging me and seeing how much of a fake, lame, try-hard I am.
I hope, maybe foolishly, that this change will fix it- my embarrassment and anxiety. But, I suppose, not trying and just doing the same thing I’ve been doing is more foolish than trying something new.
(unfinished progress, unfinished thoughts) (I wrote these pages at the picnic table in my grandparent's backyard, listening only to the birds and insects, with cinnamon incense burning. I picked wild strawberries after and read two pages of my book.)
Currently reading: The Orange Eat Creeps by Grace Krilanovich Currently listening: Savory by Jawbox Today's drink: Coke Zero
I have my own set of neuroses that make life hard as is. I have far less self control that most people and a lower threshold for mental break and burnout. And this “addiction” is one that perfectly (or nearly) healthy people struggle to kick.
Part of me is hoping that someone (my mom, fate, maybe the universe) will take away the things that tempt me (IE: my phone) but obviously, no one will.
I’ve always known that no one was going to save me, but I’m all too often finding myself praying for something to just stop me.
I’m finally going to enact my own will onto my world and take away the tools myself.
I am going to switch to a flip phone (Nokia 2520 or 2780) and get the tools I need to use my old Ipod shuffle from middle school.
I want the internet to be a place to go, like it was when I was a kid, to be a tool I have to sit down at and get up from when I need to do something else; I’m tired of the internet being a being that haunts me, always watching my every move and dictating how I move in my own home.
I’m embarrassed by everything. It feels like I’m always being watched, viewed, and cataloged. It feels like I’m being stalked by eyes that aren’t there.
I’m always embarrassed.
I’m embarrassed to watch TV in my living-room, I’m embarrassed of working out, I’m embarrassed of cleaning, of eating, of putting on clothes, of making mistakes, of myself, of my thoughts, of being alive. I’m even embarrassed to anything on the internet, like everyone online is watching me and judging me and seeing how much of a fake, lame, try-hard I am.
I hope, maybe foolishly, that this change will fix it- my embarrassment and anxiety. But, I suppose, not trying and just doing the same thing I’ve been doing is more foolish than trying something new.
(unfinished progress, unfinished thoughts) (I wrote these pages at the picnic table in my grandparent's backyard, listening only to the birds and insects, with cinnamon incense burning. I picked wild strawberries after and read two pages of my book.)
Currently reading: The Orange Eat Creeps by Grace Krilanovich Currently listening: Savory by Jawbox Today's drink: Coke Zero